


There are no round fish.

by Thegreatsnotdragon



Series: Round Fish, Panda Sweaters and Whoopi Goldberg [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst and Humor, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Boys Kissing, Break Up, Cas Is Bad At Feelings, Dean Needs A Hug, Football Player Dean, Gay Castiel, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hipster Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Jealous Dean, M/M, Pining, also Sam wants a cat, but that's not relevant to the story, like seriously, so much crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 12:04:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13523892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thegreatsnotdragon/pseuds/Thegreatsnotdragon
Summary: When Cas breaks up with him out of nowhere, Dean cries a lot, can't masturbate, and wonders where the hell things went wrong.





	There are no round fish.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've ever finished and posted, so I'm hoping at least like one person reads it. If you are that one person thank you, you're my hero.

“Cas come on! Open the door!” Dean begs.

He’s been standing outside since Cas asked him to leave in a subdued tone. He got up from the bed in a daze, but barely made it through the door before he changed his mind. Now he’s standing in the hallway outside Cas’s dorm, pleading through a closed door, tears streaming down his face. People walking by have either stared or averted their eyes like they’re embarrassed for him. And Dean gets it, he knows this is pathetic, but he can’t leave, can’t walk away from this moment because then it’ll be real, it will actually have happened.

“Cas _please_!”

Finally the door swings open, revealing Castiel wearing a weary and controlled expression. Dean has no idea how long he’s been standing here, pounding on the door, but apparently long enough for Cas to realise ignoring him wasn’t working.

“Dean you have to leave.” Is all he says.

Castiel’s voice and expression isn’t cold, just filled with this sort of detached kindness.

“Not until you tell me why you’re doing this!” Dean says, his voice shaky from trying not to just dissolve into incoherent sobs.

“I already told you, it’s just not working.”

Cas’s voice is calm and steady, and there’s no hint of hesitation, which is terrifying, and makes Dean reach out to grab his hand in desperation. Cas shies away with a rueful look on his face, and Dean lets out a broken sob.

“Why!? What happened?!” Dean breaks down completely, fresh tears making their way down his cheeks as he sobs. “I’m sorry! Whatever I did, I… I can fix it! Please don’t do this baby! Cas please don’t fucking do this!”

“Dean, it’s over, I’m sorry. You… You have to leave.”

“Cas please! Just tell me what happened, please, I’ll fix it, I love you!”

“Nothing happened Dean, I just… I have to think about the future, and when I do, I just can’t see us together.”

“What does that even fucking mean!? Please, can’t we talk about this?!”

“There’s nothing to talk about, I’ve made the decision I think is right for me, and I’m very sorry that’s causing you pain, but you need to accept that we’re over.”

_Please don’t do this please don’t do this please don’t do this._

He watches Castiel retreat farther inside the room, holding the door like he’s about to close it. “I’ll give you five minutes after I close the door, and if you’re not gone by then, I’ll have to call campus security.” 

His voice is still kind but there’s no actual emotion in it. It’s cold, distant, _wrong_.

_This can’t be happening._

“Please don’t make me do that.”

Those are Cas’s last words, and now Dean is staring at a closed door again. He feels numb, like he’s floating, dreaming, because none of this is real. He doesn’t move for a minute or two, just standing, staring at the same spot. The spot where Cas stood just a moment ago. He’s waiting for the door to open again, for Cas to laugh and explain that this was all just a really fucked up prank. Dean wouldn’t even be mad if it was, he’d probably wonder if Cas is some kind of sociopath, but he wouldn’t care, he’d be too relieved to be mad. This is a joke right? They were fine two weeks ago, and now Cas keeps saying that word. _Over_.

Dean turns and starts walking mechanically. He gets to his dorm, and with no real conscious reasoning goes straight for the laundry basket. He knows it’s in here because Cas forgot it here a few weeks ago, and Dean figured he’d wash it before returning it, but then he kept putting off doing the laundry, so he could just load it in the car and have his mom doing it over the break. He pulls everything else out onto the floor, digging for it.

He doesn’t pay attention to the mess he’s making, just keeps desperately digging for the sweater. He finally finds it, and clutches it to his chest in relief. He lies down on the bed and buries his face in the sweater even though it smells a lot more like dank laundry basket than Cas at this point. He traces the shape of the little cartoon pandas, and at some point, the shock starts to wear off. And when it does, Dean is left with the reality of what just happened and the tears start pouring again. He hears the door open and voices breaking into his awareness.

Benny, and someone else. Charlie. Dean doesn’t look up, but he feels a hand on his back, a soft voice asking him what’s wrong. He can’t answer, if he opens his mouth, the only thing coming out will be hysterical sobs. Because nothing makes sense anymore. He’s down the rabbit hole. The door opens again, and they’re gone.

Thankfully, crying this much is exhausting and it takes less than an hour for Dean to start slipping into unconsciousness.

His phone buzzing in his pocket wakes him up. He reaches down and accepts the call without even looking at the id, because it’s Cas, it has to be.

“Hello?”

“Hi sweetie, it’s me.” His mother’s voice says.

Oh. Not Cas.

“Hey mom.” Dean replies in a voice thick with sleep and tears.

“Your friend Charlie called…” she says.

All it takes is that soft, warm tone of voice she’s using for Dean to break down into sobs again. It’s the voice she uses when he’s sad, and when he was a kid it’s the voice that made everything better, along with her arms around him, her smell, made him feel cradled and safe. “I don’t understand, we were fine and now… Now he just…” Dean rambles in a broken voice.

“What happened sweetie?”

“Cas… He said.. He said it’s over.”

“Oh honey… I’m so sorry.”

They go on break in two days, and Mary suggests Dean just cut out early and go home the next morning, Dean wants to go right away, but she tells him there’s no way in hell he’s allowed to get behind the wheel right now. Still clutching the panda sweater, Dean goes back to sleep.

 

He manages to shove a bagel into his face before getting in the car the next morning. He leaves a note for Benny, who came back inside at some point and is still asleep in the other bed. He stands for about ten minutes just staring at the outside of Cas building, hoping time will just magically reverse and he’ll be back in a world that makes sense. When that doesn’t happen he gets in his car and starts the journey back to Lawrence.

He doesn’t stop, except once to pee. When he gets home, the house is empty, his mom and dad still at work, and Sammy on school. He’s exhausted, and starving, so he raids the fridge and flips on the tv, surfing through channels numbly. Sam is the first to get home, and Dean doesn’t mean to be a dick to his little brother who he hasn’t seen in months, but he really doesn’t have it in him right now to pretend to be fine right now. Sam prattles on about the kitten he’s been begging mom and dad to get, and all Dean can do is nod, and offer one syllable answers. Sam seems to catch on to his mood, because after a while he just goes quiet, and then scuttles off to the kitchen, to make a snack or something.

Dean is relieved when the door opens a second time and it’s Mary. She wraps her arms around him as soon as she’s through the door and they stay curled together on the couch. Dean lets out the tears he’s been holding in since he woke up, and breaks down in his mother’s embrace. Jesus fucking Christ, he’s doesn’t think he’s cried this much before in his entire life. She cradles him for what feels like hours, until the crying subsides. Dean is exhausted, and probably dehydrated. His mother puts fresh sheets in his bedroom, and leads him up the stairs.

He lies down on the midnight blue sheets, and stares up at the ceiling. Mary brings his bag up, and Dean asks her to set it next to the bed. He opens it and digs the panda sweater out. He holds it out in front of him, and looking at it makes his chest ache. He gets his phone out and calls Cas. Cas doesn’t pick up, so Dean sends him a text, a text that reads; **I love you, I’m not mad, please talk to me.**

 

It’s horrible, being wide awake, and too wrung out to cry more. It means he has actual coherent thoughts running through his head. He’s actually thinking about it, and processing it, when he just wants to go to sleep and pretend everything will be back to normal when he wakes up. What happened? Dean thought they were happy, at least he was, and he thought Cas was. But he’s starting to question everything about Cas now, because the Cas who sat him down yesterday and told him they shouldn’t see each other anymore, that Cas was a stranger. He was all composed and emotionally distant. That wasn’t the Cas Dean knew. It came out of nowhere, about a week ago, Cas said he “needed some space”, and Dean had given it, without letting on how much it freaked him out. Then after football practice yesterday, he got a text from Cas, asking him to come over because they needed to talk.

There’s an obvious answer, it’s the one that makes the most sense of he thinks about how Cas acted yesterday, it also hurts like hell to think it. He got it wrong somehow. He was sure Cas loved him, sure they were solid, but clearly, he was wrong. Maybe Dean got in so fucking deep with someone who just didn’t feel the same way. The fact that Cas loved him was like the one truth that Dean’s whole universe was built around. So the fact that it may be all a lie, Dean doesn’t know what to do with that. How to process that, how to live in this version of now. He might as well be floating in space.

 Lying there, in his childhood bedroom, clutching the stupid fucking panda sweater, he runs through their entire relationship in his head, trying to pinpoint a moment where things went off track, or a sign he missed. In his mind, he goes all the way back to the beginning.

 

“Hey wait up!” Dean calls after him.

The boy with the mussed up hair just keeps walking, out through the door of the lecture hall, and into the hallway. Dean hurries after.

“HEY PURPLE SWEATER GUY! YOU DROPPED THIS!” Dean shouts at his back, waving the piece of paper in his hand.

Everyone in vicinity stares, some of them shoot Dean annoyed looks. Purple sweater guy stops, and then looks down at his sweater as if to confirm it is actually purple. The guy turns around, and blue eyes meet Dean’s _._ _Whoa._

“Were you talking to me?” The guy asks in a low gravelly voice, walking toward Dean tentatively.

“Well, it is purple isn’t it.” Dean says, gesturing to the sweater.

Not only is it purple, now Dean is closer he can see it’s got a pattern of little yellow shapes on the front. Wait are those..? Yep, they’re bananas.

“You dropped this.” Dean says and holds the paper out.  

Purple sweater guy takes it and squints at it.

“This isn’t mine.” He declares, looking at Dean with confusion in those big blue eyes.

Seriously, those eyes.

“I know,” Dean says, “I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.”         

“Oh.”

The guy blushes and smiles a shy but pleased smile. “Smooth.” He compliments.

“I try,” Dean replies, smiling widely at him.

“What did you want to say?” Purple sweater guy asks, cocking his head to the side.

“What’s your name?”

“Castiel.”

“Hi Castiel, I’m Dean.”

Dean reaches his hand forward to shake Castiel’s, and the other boy mimics the gesture, forgetting he’s still holding the paper in that hand.

“Oh right.” Castiel says, blushing again as he realises.

Dean smiles wider because wow is this guy endearing.

Castiel looks down at the paper again. Stares at it actually, looking puzzled.

“What is this?” He asks.

“Oh, they’re just my notes from the lecture.” Dean says.

“Your notes… Are a drawing of a unicorn with what looks like...” He turns the paper over and puts it closer to his face, “Multi colored feces..?”

“Yep.” Dean says. And then as further explanation he adds, “I have an athletic scholarship.”

“What’s this one?” Castiel asks, pointing to a little doodle in the corner with a hilariously serious expression on his face.

“Oh um, it’s s’posed to be a fish.”

“Oh, I thought… Why is it round?”

“Hey, give me that back!” Dean yanks the paper out of Castiel’s hand, tired of having his artistry questioned.“Some fish are round.” He mutters.

Castiel laughs. It’s a soft, light sound, and Dean is instantly addicted to it.

“Can I take you out?” he asks impatiently.

Castiel’s blush is another thing Dean thinks he’s in danger of becoming addicted to.

“I’d like that.” Castiel says, smiling softly.

“You free tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Great, how about I pick you and your crazy ass sweater up at seven?”

 

Dean had plans for this break. Most of them involved Cas. Like spending at least one entire day in bed with Cas, kissing and fucking him stupid. And other shit too, movies they were gonna watch, just stupid normal couple shit like that. Except now Dean’s in a parallel fucking universe where Cas isn’t his boyfriend anymore, so instead he gets to spend his break alternating between crying and stuffing his face with junk food to make himself feel better. It’s not working. And of course, sending Cas increasingly desperate and pathetic texts without a single response. So he cries. And in between crying he eats. He’s become a walking chick-flick.

His family do their best, Mary just holds him, and is kind an attentive in the way she used to be when he got sick when he was little. She also asks if he wants to talk about it. But Dean doesn’t know how to. John just pats him on the back awkwardly in passing, and doesn’t argue with Dean when he changes the channel on the tv. Sammy looked at him with wide eyes when he saw him crying the first day, and since then he’s mostly kept to himself. But one morning he came in Dean’s room with a hot cup of cocoa, saying that when people were sad, you’re supposed to make them tea, but he made cocoa instead because tea is gross. Dean agrees, and that cup of cocoa is the only thing to make him smile that whole week.

His friends call, worried about him. They’ve all heard what happened, of course they have, Charlie and Garth are both pretty good friends with Cas too.

“Have you seen him?” He asks Charlie over the phone, sniffling softly.

“Yeah, I have…” She says, trepidation in her voice. “But I don’t know what to tell you, he really didn’t seem to want to talk about it.”

“I just want a reason y’know, I want to know what happened.”

“Of course you do.”

“Be honest, should I have seen this coming? Did I miss the red flags? Because I just don’t fucking get it.”

“No, I don’t see how you could have. Honestly, I don’t get it either.”

“I just... ” Dean’s voice cracks, “I gotta know, y’know. Gotta understand.”

“You should talk to him when you get back to school. Sit down with him and get closure, he owes you that much at least, he can’t just drop you with no explanation.”

Right he has to go back to school, where Cas is, at the end of the week. Cas who ripped his heart out and stomped on it. Cas who, in his mental image is also laughing maniacally while he does this. He prefers this version of Castiel, at least he’s upfront about what a dick he is.

They only have one class together, but they’re in the same circle now. Shit why did Dean introduce Cas to his friends? Right because he thought he met the person he’d fucking marry one day. He doesn’t know how he’ll handle being around Cas, but not being allowed to touch him.

A thought comes unbidden into Dean’s mind then, and he can’t believe he hasn’t thought it until now. What if there’s someone else? Could Cas have left him for another guy?

 

As depressing as it’s been lying in his childhood bedroom crying and staring up at the ceiling, Dean would choose to stay rather than go back to school and face his life. His now Cas-less life. He’d rather be in crying, panda sweater hugging limbo for the foreseeable future. But come sunday morning, he’s getting back in the Impala with a dark pit in the bottom of his stomach. His mom packed him sandwiches for the road, and he blares his music so loud he can’t hear himself think.

As soon as he sets foot on campus he feels a pull towards Cas’s building. He wants so badly to see him, even though he knows it would feel like and icy fucking dagger to his heart. He can’t help it, he missed Cas even when he used to see him every day, and now he’s barely seen him for over two weeks. Looks like it he might have to get used to missing Cas, because that’s his life now. He gets some food and goes back to his dorm. He eats alone in his bed in front of his laptop playing whatever new episodes of some Netflix show. It’s good; sci-fi, but the dark and depressing kind, it suits his mood. Benny hasn’t gotten back yet, after spending the break with his family down in Louisiana.

Dean has football practice tomorrow. It’s the only thing he’s looking forward to, to be in that head space, where all his thoughts are concentrated on one thing, and everything else falls away. Just a few hours, where he can disappear and forget about Cas breaking up with him.

Benny comes back at around seven, greeting Dean with a _hello brother_ and a few worried glances. Benny’s not exactly uncomfortable with feelings and shit like that, but he’s not the type to force someone to talk about stuff either. Dean goes to bed early, and if he falls asleep holding the panda sweater again, that’s no one’s business but his.

He gets through his first day alright, turns out it’s actually pretty good for concentration when you want to escape your own thoughts so bad you’d rather think of literally anything else. He looks for Cas everywhere he is, filled with both dread and anticipation. And longing. It’s not until after lunch when he’s heading to class, that he sees him.

Dean stomach does a flip, and he feels simultaneously like he’s gonna puke, and like he’s gotten a fix after a long bout of withdrawal. Shit. Unlike Dean who probably looks like a fucking wrung out zombie, not to mention has probably gained ten pounds in one week after all the crap he ate, Cas looks good. He’s wearing his dark blue sweater. the one with the little bees on the front. It’s too big on him, just like all his sweaters. He’s standing in the hallway looking down at his phone with a thoughtful frown. And he’s so beautiful it fucking hurts. Dean walks up to him, feeling his heart clench painfully in his chest. He can already tell there’s no way he’s getting through this conversation without crying.

“Can I talk to you?” He says, trying hard as fuck to keep his voice steady.

Castiel looks up, his blue eyes so clear Dean wants to drown himself in them. Jeez, apparently he gets a little  melodramatic when he’s heartbroken.

“Dean… Hi.” He chews his lip, looking uncomfortable. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea… I should get to class.”

“I just need a minute, come on.”

He goes to grab Cas’s hand, to lead them away somewhere more secluded, but Castiel pulls his hand back. Right. Dean doesn’t have permission to touch him anymore. Dean finds a quiet spot outside, there’s a bench right there, but neither of them sit down. Dean leans against the wall, and Cas looks at him expectantly. Dean is terrified, terrified of asking, terrified of the answer. But he’s a big boy, so he takes a deep breath, and speaks:

“Is there someone else?”

Cas squirms uncomfortably for a moment, looking Dean straight in the eye. “Are you asking if I cheated on you?” He tilts his head to the side, and it makes Dean want to smile and cry at the same time.

“I’m asking if there’s someone else.”

“I didn’t cheat on you.”

“But there’s someone else isn’t there? You left me for another guy?”

There’s a moment of silence, and Dean can’t breathe, he feels tears welling up in his eyes, preparing for the blow.

“I… I didn’t leave you _for_ him, but yes, I’m seeing someone else.”

Shit. A punch in the stomach would be less painful. Dean doubles over, burying his face in his hands as the tears start pouring and his body starts heaving with sobs. The thing is, up until now he was stupidly hopeful. Hopeful that this was all just some stupid freak out or something on Cas’s part, hopeful that this conversation would have a very different outcome. That it would all go back to the way it was supposed to be. But that’s it. It’s actually over. Over.

Cas didn’t just break up with Dean, since they’ve been broken up, Cas went out and put his lips on someone who else. Someone else has had their hands all bunched up in Cas’s ridiculous sweaters, and buried in his beautifully disastrous hair. Cas told Dean he loved him, and that he was happy, but apparently that was all a fucking lie, because Cas has been with someone else while Dean was weeping and watching old episodes of _Frasier_ on his parents couch. It takes about a minute or two for Dean to collect himself enough to stop sobbing and look up. He fully expects Cas to be gone when he does, but he’s not. He’s standing there watching Dean with an unreadable expression.

“Who is it?” Dean gets out, his voice hoarse and shaky.

“Why does it matter?” Cas asks, with guarded expression on his face.

“I’m gonna find out anyway, you might as well tell me.”

“It’s Aaron Bass.”

Dean barely knows Aaron, they’ve met a few times, always in larger groups. But now he hates him. Wants to make an Aaron shaped voodoo doll and stick pins into it.

“You couldn’t at least do me the fucking courtesy of telling me you were breaking up with me for someone else?!” Dean asks.

He feels himself moving up the stages of grief, moving now from denial to anger.

“Like I said, I didn’t leave you for him, you and I weren’t going to work, he and I might. It’s that simple.” Cas replies.

Dean stares at him in disbelief. “ _It’s that simple_?!” Fresh tears make their way down his face “It’s really that fucking simple to you?”

Sobs come on so strong it makes it hard for him to breathe, so he buries his face in his hands again, because he really fucking _can’t_ look at Cas right now. He just needs about thirty seconds to break down.

“Shit,” Dean says when his thirty seconds have passed, angrily wiping his eyes. “I’m so fucking done with you. You’re a fucking robot.”

Castiel flinches, and for the first time Dean thinks he sees tears start to pool in those blue eyes. Part of Dean feels bad, but most of him is so fucking glad to be able to hurt Cas back in whatever small, petty way.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Castiel says, looking down at the ground instead of meeting Dean’s eyes.

Dean wants to leave, to storm off in justified anger, but he can’t. For some reason, he feels like he needs to just stand here, to let this moment play out until Cas leaves. Because they’re over. They’re actually over, this is the last moment of their relationship. Because it’s clear now, sure Dean still has questions, but they’re all concerning details. And they don’t really matter, because what happened is obvious now. Cas met someone he’d rather be with than Dean, and now Dean is alone.

“I’m late for class, I have to go.” Castiel says.

He doesn’t wait for a reply, barely even glances at Dean before hurrying back inside the building.

Dean watches him go, and when he disappears inside the doors, it’s like he takes all the air with him.

 

In Dean’s defence, he only gets drunk the first two nights. And it’s not even the mean angry drunk, he’s just a sad, weepy, why doesn’t Cas love me drunk. When he vomits on the carpet in their dorm and Benny doesn’t even get pissed at him, he knows their friendship is real. When he wakes up the next morning, the carpet is gone, and the floor is clean. Maybe he should have dated Benny instead. Cas would never clean up his vomit, he’d probably just stand there with that fucking vulcan look on his face, and say something like “If you don’t want to clean up vomit you shouldn’t vomit”. Because he’s a dick. A robot dick. No, not like a robot’s dick, but like a dick, who’s also a robot. Dean is kind of hungover.

He’s just having trouble reasoning with the two different versions of Cas. First there’s Cas, who’s Dean’s boyfriend of seven months. He has a lot of weird adorable sweaters, rolls his eyes at Dean’s jokes but smiles one of his tiny barely there smiles same time. He’s grumpy in the mornings, drinks black coffee, and Dean _knows_ him. Loves him. Has heard him whisper sleepy I love you’s while his naked body was pressed against Dean’s. Has heard him moaning Dean’s name like a fucking prayer. That Cas is Dean’s soulmate, the love of his life. He hadn’t known him for an hour before he knew he’d never want anyone else. Then there’s the other Cas, who’s… A dick, and also  robot. And Dean can’t make sense of how it is that they’re the same person. Or which of them is real.

 

“Hey sunshine.” Is Jo’s greeting when she ambushes him as he’s leaving the classroom for lunch.

“Hey.”

“Me, Charlie, Benny and Garth are gonna hit up the taco truck for lunch and you’re coming. I’ll even treat you, because you’re all like… Y’know, sad and shit.” She says.

“Sure.”

Dean knows that his whole vibe complete with the one syllable answers is bumming everyone out, but he figures he’s entitled to at least a couple more weeks of being a miserable fuck. He’s planning to be a bummer as long as it’s socially acceptable, and then plaster on a fake smile, and pretend like he’s moving on.

At least he’s gotten through this whole shit storm and managed to stay almost functioning. He’s only missed a few days, and two football practices. Coach Singer busted his ass for that, but Dean thinks he let him get off easy, once he saw what a mess he was. Cas dumping him hasn’t affected his playing, if anything it’s made him more focused, more obsessive, because the field is the only place he wants to be anymore, the only place he doesn’t have to think.

“You drunk dialed me last night you know.” Jo says, as they’re walking to the taco truck.

“Oh yeah?!” Dean says, looking at her in surprise. “Don’t remember that.”

“Yeah, you were um… Crying.”

“Yeah sorry.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I’m a weepy drunk, especially when my friggin boyfriend’s just dumped me.”

“It’s cool, you didn’t call him too did you?”

“Probably.” Dean admits.

Even though he doesn’t remember calling anyone last night, calling Cas while crying is exactly the kind of thing drunk Dean would do.

“Um, you sound like that doesn’t bother you… If I’d called my ex drunk and possibly crying I’d live the rest of my life with a bag over my head.”

“Thanks for making me feel better.” Dean says sarcastically.

Jo winces. “Sorry, the connection between my brain and mouth is severed.”

“It’s fine. I really don’t care if I look pathetic to Cas though. He’s made it clear he doesn’t give a shit about me, so why should I care what he thinks of me? He wouldn’t pick up anyway, he’s too busy sucking Aaron Bass’s dick.” Dean voice breaks on the last sentence and yep, he’s crying again.

Jo stops dead in her tracks. “Cas is… Cas is _dating_ Aaron Bass?” 

Dean nods. “Yep.”

“Shit Dean, that sucks, I’m so sorry.”

She reaches up and puts her hand on his shoulder. Dean wipes his face with his sleeve.

“Shit, I’m such a fucking mess.”

“Yeah well you just got your heart broken, you’re allowed to be.”

She slips her hand into his wordlessly and gives a reassuring little squeeze. It almost manages to get a smile out of Dean.

Dean can see the rest of their friends sitting on one of the sets of benches with tables, food strewn out in front of them

“I can’t believe Cas is dating Aaron Bass. You haven’t even been broken up two weeks. What a little skank.”

That does make Dean laugh, this sort of desperate huff of laughter. _Yeah_ , he thinks, _what a little skank_.

As soon they get to the table, Jo sets her hands on the edge of it, leans in and announces dramatically; “Castiel is dating Aaron Bass.”

Dean rolls his eyes and sits down, grabbing a taco and starting to go to town on it while his friends make all kinds of surprised faces and noises.

“He doesn’t deserve you Dean” Charlie declares, talking with a mouth stuffed full of taco.

“Yeah!” Garth yells, raising his fist in solidarity.

“See, Garth agrees, and we’re both like super wise.” Charlie continues, a streak of red sauce making it’s way down her chin.

Garth nods with a serious expression.

“So who else did I drunk dial last night?” Dean asks.

Charlie shakes her head.

“No calls, got some texts though. I have no idea what they were supposed to say.”

Dean turns Garth who shakes his head. So does Benny.

“I’d have taken the texts over the puking though.” The cajun declares.

“Hey!” Jo yells, throwing a napkin at him. “No vomit talk while I’m eating.”

Benny holds his hands up in surrender. “My apologies.” 

 

Six weeks have gone by, and Dean is still waiting to feel better. But he still cries most days. And he still still sleeps with the panda sweater. He should really wash it, because it’s getting kind of gross from having Dean snotty weepy face all up in it. He’s making more of an effort to put on a show of feeling better though, because he’s afraid of infecting all of his friends with his misery. He’s pretty sure that at least Charlie and Garth still hang out with Cas sometimes, even though they denounce him as the antichrist when they’re with Dean. Dean doesn’t really mind all that much, but he wishes they would admit it, so he could ask pathetically desperate questions about how Cas is doing. Of course they would still want to be friends with Cas, the guy’s friggin loveable, when he’s not a vulcan robot dick.

“I know why you’re still feeling shitty!” Charlie announces when they’re watching Star Trek in her dorm one night. “You need to rebound.”

She pokes Dean in the shoulder, sounding really fucking pleased with herself.

At Charlie’s prodding he agrees to come to one of the bars off campus on friday, to try to pick someone up and take them home for “a delicious night of sin” (Charlie’s words). Friday night rolls around, and Dean is sat at the bar, his friends all around him, and worrying that yeah, this might be a terrible idea. Dean has had trouble jerking off  since Cas dumped him, because his traitor brain keeps bringing up images of Cas, and now they have all this sadness attached to them, making him want to cry. And Dean has experienced a lot of new ways to be humiliated in the past few weeks, but he draws the line at crying while masturbating. He stopped trying for a while, but became really tightly wound. Watching porn works most of the time, but he has no idea how he’s going to manage being with an actual other person, Most likely, he’ll break down and cry. Still, it might be worth a try.

Dean scans the room with his eyes, trying to find someone as dissimilar to Cas as possible. A woman then, obviously. A blonde, with brown eyes.

“Do you see any blonde chicks with brown eyes?” He whispers, leaning over to Charlie.

“Jo.” Charlie says, laughing at her own joke.

“Gross. Besides, you’re the one who wants to get in her pants.” Dean says.

Charlie sighs. “True.”

They spend a lot of time looking over the people in the bar together trying to find someone for Dean. Charlie and Jo are like creepily invested, Dean thinks they might be channeling their sexual frustrations for each other into finding him a rebound. Dean has just decided to buy a drink for the hot pink haired girl across the room when he sees Jo freeze, looking towards the door. She nudges Charlie and they share an _oh shit_ kind of look. They both look at Dean, and Jo opens her mouth to speak but Dean puts a hand up to stop her.

“Cas just walked in didn’t he?”

She nods, eyes filled with pity.

“With Aaron.” Charlie adds.

Dean turns in his chair slightly to get a view of the door. He still gets butterflies in his stomach when he sees Cas, but now they’re like some murdery ass alien kind of butterflies. He hates it, because it fucking hurts, like everything associated with Cas does. Last week Dean cried over one of those shitty little McDonalds apple pies, because it reminded him of Cas baking him a pie for his birthday. He. Ruined. Pie.

Cas and his stupid new boyfriend are standing close by the door. Castiel has obviously spotted them, and he looks like he’s trying to leave, but Aaron takes his hand and drags him forward to the bar. Where Dean is sitting.

Castiel looks really squirmy and uncomfortable as he approaches them. And it’s really fucking adorable. Fuck _.Don’t cry, be strong, don’t cry in front of your ex’s new boyfriend._

Aaron greets them first, as he walks up to the bar to order. “Hey.” he says.

His eyes wander over their faces, and linger on Dean’s just a little longer than the others. Dean wonders what Cas has said about him.

He wonders if they’ve slept together. They must have, after this much time. He wonders if Aaron has learned to push Cas’s buttons like Dean did. He wonders if Cas is in love. Shit he’s gonna cry. _No, keep it together Dean, suck them back in, SUCK THEM BACK IN!_.

Castiel walks up behind his new (shitty horrible demon asswipe) boyfriend hesitantly.

“Hello.” He says in a shy, uncomfortable voice.

Everyone except Dean and Jo reply, Dean because he’s still trying suck the tears back in, and Jo because she’s gone all bro’s before ho’s since Cas broke up with him, and has decided to show her loyalty to Dean by scowling at Cas. Castiel shies away from her with a mildly frightened expression.

“Hey Cas.” Dean manages after a moment, in a voice which is only a little shaky.

Cas looks surprised. “Hi Dean.” 

Hearing him say Dean’s name is such a fucking double edged sword. It feels so right, and Dean wants to pull him into his arms, make him say it again, but slower, lower. _Suck them back in!_

Dean sees him almost every day, but it’s usually over a distance. Now he’s right in front of him, Dean has to look, really look at Castiel. He’s wearing his tight dark blue jeans, and a his black coat over a sweater Dean is pretty sure he hasn’t seen before. It’s dark red with orange bits in the pattern. Maybe he got it from Aaron. Dean knows he’s fucking staring, but he can’t stop. It’s too much, being near Cas again, the longing he feels all the time, but intensified. And if Aaron is upset by it, well Aaron can go fuck himself.

“How are you?” Castiel asks hesitantly.

_I love you, I miss you so much I can’t even jerk off and I sleep with you sweater under my pillow._

“I’m okay.” Dean lies. “You?”

“I’m good.” Castiel replies, with a small tense smile.

There’s a lot of awkward silence after that, while Aaron and Cas wait for their drink order. Dean just looks at Castiel, staring like a creeper. Castiel just pretends not to notice. He does meet Dean’s gaze once though, before blushing and looking away. A familiar little surge of excitement goes through him then, and he remembers the early days of them dating. He almost turned trying to make Cas blush into a game. He could do it with compliments, double entendres (although they went over Cas’s head half the time), and occasionally just by looking at him a certain way.

Cas and Aaron get their drinks, and go to sit down at a table as far from the bar as possible. At his point Dean has completely forgotten all about what tonight was supposed to be, he can’t help watching Cas and Aaron on their date.

“Dude, you’re staring.” Jo whispers.

“So?” Dean says.

Cas and Aaron don’t look like they’re having a very good time, but that’s probably just because they’re uncomfortable, because Dean is staring at them. Dean doesn’t give a shit, it’s not his fault this is awkward, they should have turned around at the door when they saw him there. Who the fuck goes on a date right in front of their ex? He can tell Aaron is starting to get annoyed after a while, he keeps glancing over at Dean, then leaning over and saying something to Cas. _Fuck you_ , Dean thinks.

Aaron starts to get up after a while, and Cas puts his hand on his arm to stop him. That little touch makes Dean see red. He’s pretty sure Aaron is coming over here to ask him to stop staring. Which is fucking stupid because this is all his fucking fault. Dean wants to stay, wants to be a dick when Aaron comes over, wants to goad him, piss him off. But right now, Dean might just be pissed and heartbroken enough to throw some actual punches, and that could jeopardize his scholarship. Dean isn’t sure he’s hit quite that level of self destructiveness yet. Maybe in a month or so.

“We better go.” He says, getting up quickly.

Aaron stops in his tracks when he sees Dean getting up. Dean can’t resist flipping him the bird as he’s walking out, just so that asshole knows Dean isn’t leaving because he’s afraid of him. But he doesn’t stop to look at their faces.

 

Two weeks later, Dean is sitting in the cafeteria, staring dejectedly at a bowl of cereal.

“I shouldn’t be telling you this.” Charlie says, plopping down next to him.

“So don’t.”

Charlie makes a sad face at him. “You used to love gossip.”

“Yeah well, apparently I’m like broken now or something.”

Charlie makes a face at that, one Dean doesn’t know how to interpret. He sighs. “So what shouldn’t you be telling me?”

“Yeah, on second thought this might not be such a good idea.”

The concern in her voice can only mean one this. It’s about Cas. Dean sighs again, because he’s so sick of this. He’s sick of missing Cas, of wanting Cas, of crying over Cas. He’s sick of pining for Cas, sick of thinking about him.

“Just tell me.”

“Cas and Aaron broke up.”

Dean gets up from his chair, leaving his half finished cereal on the table. “See you later.” He mutters.

Charlie catches his arm.

“Sorry if I… Made things worse for you.”

“It’s fine.” Dean says, struggling to keep his voice steady. “I would’ve heard eventually.”

He already knows he’s going to end up skipping his first class, because he’s walking back to his dorm, trying to contain all the feelings warring inside of him. He’s angry, because apparently Castiel threw away their entire relationship for one that barely lasted two months. And he hurts, because the thought of Cas being heartbroken over someone else is horrible. The worst is the hope though. That part of his brain that keeps coming up with fantasy scenarios, where he ends up back with Cas. Dean won’t listen to that part of his brain anymore, he can’t fucking stand hoping, and he refuses to indulge. He won’t hope again unless Castiel is standing in front of him, telling him he wants him back.  Dean has accepted that that’s something which will probably never happen. It hurts, but he can’t live in a fantasy.

 

They have class together the next day, which is always a struggle for Dean to sit through. Castiel looks… Terrible. His eyes are red rimmed, his sweater is rumpled like he slept in it, and Dean would be willing to bet money on the fact that he hasn’t brushed his teeth. Dean’s heart breaks at the sight of him, for several reasons. It hurts to see someone you love so much in pain, and it hurts to know that clearly Cas really cared about Aaron if he’s this messed up over him. It hurts that he has feelings for someone who isn’t Dean.

“Hi.” Castiel says, in a soft, small voice when Dean passes him.

“Uh… Hey Cas.”

Castiel looks like he want to say something else, his eyes are brimming with… Something. But he doesn’t, so Dean walks past him to take a seat.

 

It’s three days later, the middle of the night on a friday when Dean is lying in his bed, nearing unconsciousness, when his phone buzzes on the bedside table. Dean groans and reaches for it. But then he sees the message, and he’s wide awake. It’s from Cas. Just three words; **I miss you.**

His heart is racing in his chest as he stares down at the screen in the dark room. Part of him wants to write something snide back like, Sorry, I’m confused, did you mean this message for Aaron? He doesn’t know what Cas is playing at. Does he think Dean will be his rebound from the guy he dumped him for? Shit, he’s so sick of this, because right now, he’s once again so stupidly hopeful. And it fucking hurts.

He can’t deal with being jerked around, he needs to just call Cas, and say _what the fuck?._

But Cas doesn’t pick up, instead Dean hears a familiar snarky voice on the other end; “Clarence can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s drunk off his ass.”

Cas is drunk texting him. That’s just… Fucking great.

“Hey, it’s Dean.”

“Yeah I know.” Meg says, and Dean can practically hear the eye roll.

“I need to talk to Cas.”

“He can’t talk right now.”

“Just give him the phone, I don’t care if he’s drunk!” Dean snaps.

“Trust me, it’s for your own good.”

That gives Dean pause. Because he’s pretty sure Meg despises him.

“He texted me.” he says.

“I know.”

“I just… I need to ask him what he meant.”

Dean hates the pleading desperation in his voice. It’s like he’s proving to himself that yes, he would probably be pathetic enough to just run straight into Cas’s arms again, after everything, even though he knows he’d get hurt again.

“Ask him tomorrow.”

“Meg c’mon.”

“I’m serious, you can’t talk to him now.”

“What do you think I’m gonna say to him?!” He yells, exasperated.

“He’s not the one I’m worried about.”

There it is again. Meg implying that she’s somehow protecting Dean, which is fucking weird. “You hate me…” He says, in an unsure voice.

“God you’re so dramatic.” Meg groans, “I don’t hate you, I just don’t like you. That doesn’t mean I think it’s cool for Clarence to do this to you. We’re kind of fighting actually.”

“About?”

“About how he’s being an idiot.”

“And a skank.” Dean adds.

Dean thinks it might be the first time he’s ever made Meg laugh. “Yeah,” she sighs. “And a skank.”

There’s a moment of loaded silence, and Dean wants to ask a million questions, because if anyone has the answers, it’s Meg.

“I have to go.” She announces.

Then the line goes dead. And Dean lies awake the whole night, trying to make sense of their conversation.

 

He calls Cas twice the next day. But there’s no answer. Dean feels like he’s in limbo. He watches movies on Netflix the whole day, bundled up in his covers. Benny keeps glancing at him with worried eyes, but doesn't comment. 

 

At eleven the next day, he calls Cas again. This time, he picks up.

“Hello.” Cas says, and his voice is unusually small.

“Hi Cas.”

There’s a moment of tense silence.

“I think…” Dean begins. “I think maybe we should talk.”

There’s another beat of silence before Castiel replies. “Yes, I… That would be… We should do that.”

“Twenty minutes? The bench in front of the library.”  

“I’ll be there.”

“See you then.”

 

Cas looks just as bad as he did the other day. He looks less disheveled, but he’s obviously been crying again. He looks hunched in on himself, like he’s trying to hide from the world. He’s already sitting down when Dean walks up to the bench. When he looks up his blue eyes are sad.

“Hey.” Dean says sitting down on the other end of the bench.

“Hello.”

There’s an awkward silence where neither of them knows quite where to begin.

“I… I’m sorry about friday night.” Castiel starts. “The text, I was lonely, and sad, and well… drunk.”

Dean’s feels his heart break again, as Cas speaks. He tried not to get hopeful again, but he failed miserably, but clearly Cas’s drunk text didn’t mean anything.

“Right.” Dean says, and his voice has gone strange and wooden from trying to keep all the emotions from bubbling up to the surface.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

A strange horrible joyless laugh burst from Dean’s lips then, and Castiel flinches at the sound.

“Made me uncomfortable?” He quotes. “You mess with my friggin head Cas! You can’t just get sad and drunk and tell me that you miss me, it’s not okay!”

“I’m sorry, I... “ Castiel says, and it’s clear in his voice he’s close to crying.

“You broke my heart, you get that right?! You fucking broke my heart. And I’ve realised that I never really knew you, but god Cas. I never thought you could be this fucking selfish! You break up with your new boyfriend and you’re feeling sad, so you decide to fuck with my life again! You ended it, so don’t drag me back into your shit, don’t fucking toy with me like that!”

Cas is crying now. When Dean falls silent he buries his head in his hands, and sort of rides out a few sobs. Dean hates seeing him cry, but he doesn’t move from his spot, because comforting Cas isn’t his job anymore. And he can’t get drawn in, not if he’s going to protect himself. And he does need to protect himself from Cas, because Cas is fucking careless.

“I’m s-sorry,” Castiel gasps. “I messed it all up, you hate me, and Aaron hates me. It’s all my fault.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say to that. He wishes he hated Cas, because then it would be simple.

“I messed it all up.” Castiel repeats, removing his hands from his face.

His eyes are filled with devastation, and his face is a mess. Tears, snot, you name it. Dean realises he’s never really seen Cas cry before, not like this anyway. He’s seen him cry at movies a few times, but he’s never really seen him break down over something personal. He just keeps mumbling about how he messed it all up, and looking genuinely slightly deranged. Dean does the one thing he said he wouldn’t. He gets drawn in, scooting closer, wrapping his arms around Cas. “Shit Cas, calm down.” he says.

Castiel is shaking in Dean’s embrace, but after a while he starts to still, and presses his face into Dean’s shirt. It hurts so bad, because it feels so right.

“You don’t have to be nice to me.” Castiel says hoarsely. “I don’t expect you to be nice to me.”

“I have a saviour complex.”

“I’m okay now.” Cas says.

He looks up at Dean with clear, earnest eyes. Dean lifts his arm to wipe the snot from Cas’s face with his sleeve. Cas looks at him with a grossed out expression.

“Don’t look at me like I’m the gross one, it’s your snot.” Dean says.

Cas gives a small, sad laugh at that, and hugs Dean closer. Dean doesn’t want to move. He’s finally right where he wants to be. Sure, everything is still wrong, but it’s really easy to forget that, when his face is inches away from Cas’s. Cas’s eyes are locked onto his face, unreadable.

Dean isn’t sure which one of them leans in, but now they’re kissing.

Castiel tastes like tears and coffee. And it’s perfect, and Dean loses himself in it for just a few moments. Loses himself in Castiel’s lips, and tongue, and soft sighing moans.

 _This is a terrible idea!_ some small, still sane part of him screams, and he breaks away from the kiss. Cas looks flushed and still a mess, but gorgeous.

“I’m sorry.” Cas says, like it was all him. “I just… I miss you so much. I’m not trying to mess with your head, but I really, really miss you.”

“What are you saying?” Dean asks, and he can’t breathe.

“I…”

“You have to say it Cas. I need to hear you say it.” Dean’s voice is shaking.

“I want you back.” Cas whispers, and his voice is scared.

Dean wants to get swept up in how good it feels to finally hears Cas say those words, but he can’t. He can’t just pretend that the past two months didn’t happen. He untangles himself from Cas and stands up. He holds his hand up, and Castiel takes it, with a scared but hopeful expression that makes Dean’s heart stutter in his chest.

“Where are we going?” Cas asks.

“Inside. We’re gonna sit down on my bed, and you’re gonna talk to me. About everything. And then… We’ll see.”

Castiel doesn’t answer, so Dean turns back to look at him.

“You okay with that?”

Castiel nods and smiles tensely. “Yes, I’m okay with that.”

His dorm is empty,thankfully. He leads Cas in through the door, and then shuts it behind them. They both sit down on Dean’s bed, Dean on one end, with his back against the wall, and Castiel on the other end, legs folded beneath him, facing Dean. But he isn’t looking at Dean, he’s looking down at the ugly blue bedspread, and Dean can tell his hands are shaking. Dean is freaking out too, because he’s internally bracing himself for the worst outcome of this conversation.

“What happened with Aaron?” he asks, voice surprisingly steady.

Castiel’s voice however, is not. “He broke up with me.” He says. “He said… He said that I was…”

“You were what?”

“Emotionally unavailable, I believe his words were.”

“Okay…” Dean says, rubbing his forehead in frustrated confusion.

“And he could tell… Could tell that I... “ He pauses, and tears spill over his cheeks again. “That I still love you.” He practically whispers.

Dean feels so light he could float. He fell down the rabbit hole two months ago, and now, right in this moment, things are finally starting to make sense again. Starting to. He pushes down the urge to pull Cas into his arms again and kiss away the tears on his face, instead he just scoots closer, and takes one of Cas’s hands in his.

“Cas I… Please, help me… Help me understand because right now, I’m so lost. You’re sitting here, telling me you love me, but you dumped me. One day we were fine, and the next you were so distant it was like I didn’t even know you. And then you were standing the the doorway, telling me I needed to accept that we were over. Just like that, with no explanation.”  

“Dean I’m so sorry, I messed up so bad, if you can’t forgive me, I’ll understand.” More tears pour from Cas’s eyes, and he starts sobbing again. Dean gives his hand a squeeze.

“Just help me understand Cas, why’d you… Why’d you break up with me?”

Castiel takes a moment to collect himself, using his hand to wipe some of the tears away. “It’s hard to explain… I… You’re a football player and…”

“Uh… What?” Dean says, completely lost. “You broke up with me because I’m a football player..?”

“No, no! Of course not! I… I think I’d been feeling scared for a while, but I shoved it down, and didn’t think about it. And then one night after one of your games, I just couldn’t stop thinking about how football players don’t have boyfriends, they have wives, or girlfriends! And playing professionally, it’s your dream Dean! You told me that on our first date, and you’re so close, and being with me, could stand in the way of that. And all I could think was how selfish it would be of me to keep you from fulfilling your dream. And you’re bisexual, and if you were with a woman, your life would be so much easier. Because one day you would have to choose, between me and the thing you love, and I would never want to put you in that position. And maybe you would feel obligated to choose me, and then you would spend the rest of your life resenting me!”

Cas is really, really upset and burying his head in his hands again, and all Dean can do it gape at him, because wow, that was very much not what he was expecting. And also wow, Cas is a little neurotic, even though he has a point.

Castiel takes a few steadying breaths before continuing: “And then there was Aaron. He’d been chasing me a little for a while, and I realised how much easier things would be if I was with him instead, because you could get over me and go on to date a woman, _and_ have your dream. So I told myself I was doing both of us a favor, saving us from future heartache and all that.” He pauses and then in a broken whisper he adds: “That’s why I broke up with you.”

There are a million thoughts running through Dean’s head right now, most of them not entirely coherent. He moves closer to Cas, takes the other boy’s arms and places them over his own shoulder.“Go on.” He urges, twisting his head sideways to place a small kiss on Cas’s hand.

“I threw myself into dating Aaron, and told myself that I was fine. I was almost obsessive because I was so scared of admitting that I’d gotten scared and ran. I needed it to work with him, because otherwise… So I told myself that I wanted to be with him, and it went ok at first, but then… When he would touch me, I… I didn’t like it. It made me sad, because I wanted you. And he could tell, physical intimacy is so… Honest. He could tell that I wasn’t _there_. That night, at the bar, I wanted to leave when I saw you but he was… I think he was testing me, he knew something was wrong, and he was getting irritated with me. I think he wanted to see how I’d act around you. He almost broke it off that night but somehow, I convinced him not to. I don’t know how, maybe he mistook my desperation for investment. But then, about five days ago, we were… being physical, and I just couldn’t hold it in. I started crying. Which he didn’t find… Very flattering.”

Despite how much it fucking hurts to think of Cas touching someone else like that, Dean can’t help but give a small chuckle at that. “Yeah I’ll bet.” He says hoarsely.

“I could tell he was hurt but he was far nicer to me than I deserved. But he still ended it then. And I was alone and had to face the fact that I’d thrown away the best thing I ever had, because I-”

“Freaked out.” Dean finishes.

“Yes.” The word is practically a whimper. “I don’t… I don’t expect you to forgive me. You should hate me. I hate me.”

Dean lets his hand thread through Cas’s hair, and then slide across the sides of his face to his chin, tilting it upwards. He takes in the state of Cas’s face and a small laugh sputters past his lips. “Jeez, you’re like a friggin snot dragon.” He says. “Hold on a sec.”

He gets up from the bed, to steal some tissues from Benny’s nightstand. He hands them to Cas, who promptly de-snots himself.

“Thank you.” He says, leaning over to the side of the bed to throw it in the wastebasket.

Dean sits back down again and he’s trying to find a way to articulate what he needs to say, when Castiel scoots closer hesitantly, and carefully places his head on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.” He whispers tearfully.

The feel of Cas’s breath against his neck sends shivers down Dean’s spine. Cas places his arm down Dean’s back, wrapping him in a loose and tentative embrace, like he’s expecting to be pushed off at any moment. Dean buries his head in Cas’s beautifully disastrous hair. It smells just like he remembers, and Dean feels all his thoughts start to slip away, as he’s overcome with need. His hands move of their own volition, snaking around Cas’s back, pulling him up onto Dean’s lap, their bodies pressed close.

“I missed you too.” He confesses, pressing a close mouthed kiss under Cas’s jaw. “Missed you so much.”

Cas lets out a soft needy moan at that, and Dean can feel him breathing heavier against the side of his face. He wants to feel Cas’s skin against his, he wants, _needs_ to be closer. He lets his hands slip under Cas’s sweater, tracing patterns into his skin.

“Cas…” He says breathlessly. “I want…”

He has Cas’s sweater bunched up in his hands, wanting it gone. Cas get the idea and obliges, pulling the sweater off and throwing it on the bed. Dean’s lips are instantly on his chest, kissing, licking and sucking.

“Dean,” Castiel moans, “I… I want to… to kiss you.”

Dean lets his lips travel up from Cas’s chest, over his collarbone, to his neck, lingering on his jaw, then finally capturing his lips in a deep kiss.

Dean’s shirt comes off too, and when Cas’s fingers move to undo his fly, Dean moans at the fleeting contact. He’s too tightly wound, he won’t last. Now both their pants are gone, rutting against each other desperately. Part of Dean is still saying _hey dude, this might not be a great idea_ , but it’s too late. Because he’s wrapped up in skin, warmth and Cas. Having Cas on top of him again, writhing and grinding, it’s an indescribable feeling, and Cas is so beautiful like this. Wrecked and needy, pressing himself up against Dean like he wants them to just melt into each other.

“ _Dean_ ,” He moans, tugging on Dean’s boxers “Take them off.”

Dean does, shrugging out of his underwear while Cas does the same. Cas settles on Dean’s lap again, and the feel of Cas’s bare skin against his erection makes Dean moan loudly. He’s too close already. He wraps his hand around Cas’s naked erection, making the other boy moan, and his fingers dig into Dean’s back. Dean strokes Cas just how he knows he likes it, pressing breathy kisses to the side of his face all the while. It’s doesn’t take long for Cas to start to seize up, making pained noises, like he’s afraid to lose control. “ _Dean, Oh god! Please!”_ He moans.

“Sch, I’ve got you.” Dean says his voice ragged and breathless “Let go baby, I want to see you come.”

And Cas does, letting out a long pained moan as he writhes and comes all over Dean’s hand.

“ _Fuck._ ” Dean groans as he watches Cas slump over in his arms.

He feels his own arousal so fucking potent at this point he thinks a faint gust of wind could probably topple him over the edge. He leans forward and captures Cas’s lips again. Cas’s kisses are sloppy , breathy and dazed now, and he reaches his right hand forward to wrap around Dean’s length. It’s just a matter of seconds before Dean is throwing his head back, moaning through his own release. His arms tighten around Cas, crushing the other boy tight against his body, fucking up into his fist before he starts to come down from his orgasm. When he does, he feels weeks worth of tension have just bled out of him. They lie down on the bed, both breathing heavily, and Dean feels a sense of calm come over him, like another piece slotting into place after these crazy horrible past few months.

“We should get cleaned up.” Cas says once they’ve both had the chance to catch their breath.

Dean groans something noncommittal in response, gesturing to his nightstand. Dean hears the drawers open, and the feels Castiel run a wet wipe over the parts of his body that need cleaning. There are other noises, presumably Cas cleaning himself and then disposing of the wet wipes. When Dean finally looks up he finds Cas bundled up under the covers beside him, looking a little unsure. He looks  at Dean, with a hesitant smile. They lie there together, and after a while a deep uncomfortable silence settles over them. It’s not unlike the kind that Dean equates with a one night stand. Two people avoiding eye contact, not knowing how to act after having sex.

Dean hates the strange distance between them, because this isn’t some stranger he brought home from a bar, this is Cas. He loves Cas, he’s missed Cas, he’s cried fucking oceans of tears over Cas. But the silence stretches on, long and torturous. Dean stares up at the ceiling, trying to make sense of his thoughts. He feel Cas’s eyes on his face, but doesn’t turn to take in his expression.

“I could just go.” Cas whispers in a shaky voice. “If you want me to.”

Dean closes his eyes and sighs, feeling tears start to pool behind his lids again. He reaches his hand out, finding Cas’s and intertwining their fingers. “I don’t want you to go.” He says hoarsely.

“It’s okay if you do. This doesn’t have to mean… We both got caught up in the moment, I know this doesn’t mean you forgive me.”

Cas’s voice is small and broken. Dean sits up, and feels tears pour down his face. “I feel like I don’t know you.” He says, looking down at Cas.

Cas sits up too, pulling the covers up with him like he’s shielding himself. “You know me.” He says tearfully, reaching his free hand up to caress Dean’s face. “You know me better than anyone.”

He sees the conviction in Cas’s eyes, sees how much he means what he’s saying. But still…

“But all the time we were together, you were keeping shit from me! About how you were feeling, that you were having doubts, that you were freaking out!”

Cas doesn’t interrupt to defend or explain himself, just stares down at their interlocked hands with silent tears streaming down his face.

“And when you dumped me,” Dean goes on to say. “God Cas, it was like you were a completely different person. You had me convinced that you never actually loved me, that it was all a lie. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out how I missed it. You were cold. You stood there, watching me cry and beg, and it was like you felt nothing. I could never do that to you, watch you fall apart like that.  Now I feel like I never knew you, like you’ve hidden all these parts of yourself.”

Cas nods, his face crestfallen, tears still streaming. “I’m so sorry.” He gulps. “Is this… Do you still want this? To… to be with me?”

Dean brings his hands up to Cas’s face, gripping him tight. “Cas.” He says, voice ringing with conviction. “These past few months, have been the worst of my life. I don’t ever want to be without you again. Things are fucked up right now, but I love you so goddamn much, and if you’re in this, like I’m in this, we’ll figure it out.”

He sees tears of relief spill over Cas’s eyes, before he’s pulled into a wet teary kiss. Deam kisses back, but only for a moment, before he pulls away. Because he needs to say this now, needs to get it all out, needs them to be on the same page.

“You have to know Cas, when I say I’m in this, I mean… I mean I’m in this for good, I want to marry you someday. I knew that the day I met you. I don’t see you as my college boyfriend, I see you as the person I’m gonna spend my life with. And if… If I ever had to choose between you and football, Cas, there’s no _choice_. Football has always been my dream, and yes it’s a big part of my life and losing it would suck, but I can’t picture any kind of life worth living without you. You’re kinda my life.”

There’s a silence, and Dean is terrified. Because he finally said everything he’s wanted say in the seven months they were together. All the things he’s was afraid to say, because he wasn’t sure if it was too soon, too much. But if Cas doesn’t feel the same way, he’d rather know now.

“I want that too.” Cas says in a small voice. “I can’t picture my life without you either. But I’ve never done this before, and I’m scared. I love you so much, and it’s scary.”

Dean pulls his (no longer ex) boyfriend into his arms, and they both sigh against the lines of each others bodies. “So talk to me. That’s the only way this is gonna work. When you’re freaking out about something, you gotta let me know, you have to let me in. Let me know all of you, even the parts you don’t like.”

“Ok. ” Cas whispers. “I can do that. For you.”

They pull apart slightly and look at each other. Dean feels a stupidly big smile start to spread across his face, and sees an answering grin on Cas’s face, which can only be described as radiant.

They close the distance between their faces, and trap each other in a slow deep kiss. It’s the perfect kind of kiss, the kind that’s just kissing for the sake of kissing, not sexual. But then it goes on for so long that it becomes sexual.

Round two is arguably better than round one. It’s a lot less urgent, a lot more intimate. The kind of fucking that can’t rightly be described as fucking, because it’s so much more that that, reverent, loving, profound.

Dean would be embarrassed of the wet streaks down his face when they pull apart, but Cas leans over, pressing soft kisses to his face, tasting the tears. Once Dean can move again he disposes of the condom and uses wet wipes to clean them both, taking his time to taste the skin on Cas’s stomach, salty with sweat.

They curl up under the covers, breathing in unison, holding onto each other and trading quick pecks.

Cas makes a weird face, lifting his head off of Dean’s pillow and looking down at it, squinting. He reaches his hand under it and pulls out the very wrinkled, panda sweater.

“What..?” Is all he says.

Dean can’t help the blush that creeps up his neck. “Um… I can wash that for you. It’s really gross.”

“You’ve been… Sleeping with this?”

“I really missed you ok!?” Dean says defensively.

He makes a move to grab the sweater but Cas pulls it out of his reach. He shakes it out and holds it in front of him.

“What are all these stains?” He asks.

“I dunno. Food, snot. That one’s definitely dorito dust. This looks like pizza.” He points to the different colored stains. Cas just keeps looking at it, nose wrinkled.

“Give me that!” Dean snaps when he can’t take it anymore, his cheeks burning. “It’s gross I get it.”

He reaches over and yanks the sweater away from Cas, and then tosses it across the room, aiming for the laundry basket but missing. He then buries his very red face in his pillow like a little kid.

There’s a moment of silence and then Dean feel the warmth of Cas’s body as he cuddles up next to him.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, I didn’t have any of your shirts, but if I did I would have slept in it. ” Cas says, his hand stroking the hair at the nape of Dean’s neck.

“Yeah?” Dean says, turning his head towards Cas.

“Yes.” Castiel confirms, leaning in to press a light kiss on Dean’s lips.

“You can have one you know. If you want.” Dean says.

“Of your shirts?” Cas asks, smiling.

“Yeah. I mean you probably don-”

“I want one.” Cas says leaning over and putting his head on Dean’s chest. “But you have to wear it first. I want it to smell like you.”

“Okay.” Dean says, smiling widely. “Deal.”

“I did embarrassing things too you know.” Cas says.

“Yeah?” Dean smiles. “What’d you do?”

“I watched The View, often while crying. Kevin thought it was very irritating.”

Kevin Tran is Cas’s roommate, who studies obsessively and will glare at anyone who dares to breathe too loud in his vicinity. Dean lets out a full body laugh at Cas’s confession.

“Is it good?” He asks, burying his head in Cas’s hair.

“Yes, it’s an excellent show.”

Dean laughs a little more into Cas’s wild mop.

“God, you’re such a nerd.” He sighs. “I’ve missed you so much. At least now we’re back together Garth will stop hugging me all the time.”

“Why was he hugging you?”

“Because he says his hugs have like special healing powers or some shit.”

Dean feels the vibrations of Cas’s laughter against his chest. “It’s not funny! It was traumatizing. He’s really bony.”

That just makes Cas laugh harder.

They lie there, relishing in the peacefulness of the moment.

“I love you.” Cas says, lifting his head to look Dean in the eye.

Dean edges forward to give him a soft kiss.

“I love you too. I want to have your babies.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

 

They walk down the hallway together the next day, their hands entwined, and Dean can’t help the huge smile on his face. Cas meets his eyes, blushes a little and his lips quirk up into on of his tiny smiles. But then he looks away and his face falls. Dean follows his gaze and _oh_ , this is awkward. Aaron is right there, walking in the other direction, meaning they are just about to have a very unfortunate meeting in the middle. Cas looks like he wants to die.

Dean sees the exact moment Aaron spots them. His eyes widen, and his gaze slip down to their joined hands. Dean would probably feel bad for the guy, but he just doesn’t have it in him right now.

It’s beyond awkward. They exchange hello’s and Cas and Aaron both look like they’d literally rather be anywhere else, and Dean is just sort of there, watching the moment play out. He’s not exactly jealous, but after the past two months, it leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

“Dick.” He mutters under his breath, as soon as the moments over.

He was talking to himself, but Cas hears it of course and glances over at him. “He’s actually a really nice person.”

Dean snorts, because no, he’s not about to be the bigger person and have sympathy for the guy for the guy who’s been sleeping with his boyfriend. Because that still fucking stings. “Yeah well, I still hate him.” He says, and it comes out a little harsher than he intended.

Castiel sighs softly at his side, and lifts their joined hand to his face.

“As is your right, I suppose.” He says, pressing a soft kiss to Dean’s knuckles.

 

They’re headed to the cafeteria, but Dean gets a text from Jo comprised of just two words; **Tacos bitch.** Dean smiles, and replies quickly; **Coming, Cas is with me, don’t freak out, we’re back together.**

“I’m scared.” Cas says, gripping Dean’s hand tighter, as they’re nearing their destination.

“Relax, they’re your friends too.”

“Every time I see Jo she glares at me.”

“Please, you’re scared of Jo?”

“Yes, she’s small but terrifying.”

“Aw c’mon, we’re back together now, she has nothing to be pissed about. Besides, it’s taco tuesday, no one can be mad on taco tuesday.”

“It’s monday Dean.”

They get to their table, and Jo turns to look at them with a calculating look. “Hey Dean,” She says, and then turning to Cas she says, “Hi skank.”

“Um…” Cas says.

“Jo!” Dean admonishes.

He glances at Cas, who looks a little taken aback but not upset. Jo just shrugs, unrepentant.

“What, now you guys are back together we’re not calling him that anymore?”

“No!” Dean says.

“Fine.” Jo says, turning to her food with a small grin on her face.

“You’ve been calling me a skank?!” Cas asks as they’re both sitting down next to each other.

“Sorry baby, I was coping.” He says, leaning in to kiss Cas’s cheek.

“Great!” Charlie exclaims in a delighted tone. “You guys are already back to being sickeningly cute.”

“Yep.” Dean says, and then eyes both Charlie and Garth. “So you can stop pretending you hate him now.”

Garth and Charlie exchange a guilty look, but then Charlie smiles, and bites down on a nacho.

“Good.” She says. “Cause that sucked.”

“So…” Jo says.

“So what?” Dean asks.

“Is one of you gonna explain how you’re suddenly back together?”

“None of your business Joanna Beth.” Dean says, waving a nacho threateningly in her direction.”

“We worked it out.” Cas states simply, sliding his hand into Dean’s under the table.

They eat and talk and laugh, and when Dean glances at Cas, who’s wearing a bright orange sweater and a tiny smile he sighs and thinks that finally, balance is restored in the universe. Well, Dean’s universe.

 

From thereon, their week involves a lot of cuddling, A LOT of sex, and a gag inducing amount of I love you’s. Dean also learns a lot about why Whoopi Goldberg is so underrated, which leads to a fight wherein Cas calls Dean crazy for claiming that Patrick Swayze gave the standout performance in _Ghost_ (“ _She won her Oscar for that movie Dean!_ ”).

  
  
  
  
  



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